Just a Little Something - Mystery Purchases

This muffles screams pretty well, right? I mean... Image via Wikipedia

Every time I go to the hardware store I think about all the deadly weapons they sell and if there are certain "red flag" product combinations that cashiers have to watch out for. If I buy a hatchet and bleach, does my name go on a list somewhere? What if I add rope and large plastic bags?

Try this fun scenario:
Go buy some garden shears, a chainsaw, duct tape, bungee chords, trash bags, shop towels and some red paint. Pay in all cash and stare blankly at the cashier. No smile. No conversation.

After you leave the cashier will run through several murderous fantasies in his/her mind, wondering if they should genuinely be concerned. The red paint, however, will confuse them and ultimately diffuse suspicion.

Then later, after he/she has had enough time to forget about you, come back covered in red and purchase a shovel.

Newman's Grown

Go get Daddy's wrench, the really big one. Image via Wikipedia

While Vanessa has nightmares about having a huge baby, like a full grown adult emerging from her womb, I am more concerned about our upcoming parenting skills. I'm not worried about our ability to physically care for the kid, like if we're feeding it too much or too little, or if the last time I dropped her was one time too many. (If our baby is stubborn and as literally thick headed as we are then she'll be fine.)

I just wonder about the lessons we will teach, the rules we'll advise, the interests we will encourage, and what "end-result" person we will create. Each person grows on their own as well, and a parents' influence is only so strong but, whether through genetics or subconscious mimicry, we all end up with some similar behaviors as our parents, and every parent is held in some way responsible for the adult version of the children they raise.

Raising a kid is one of those problems though that has a million variables. Knowing the right combination to produce the perfect person is impossible, plus the definition of the perfect person is relative to who you ask. The government wants people who pay their taxes, don't dispute legislation, and speed just often enough to pay extra money on infrequent traffic violations. Big business wants consumers that are susceptible to marketing, brand recognition, have expendable income, buy impulsively, and don't actually read or understand the nutritional facts or ingredients listed. Parents even vary on what they want their children to become. Some want them to be kind to others and generally likable. Others want them to be leaders or accomplish something outstanding. A complete package, however, is rarely achievable. Each lesson or trait usually comes at a sacrifice.

If they are too smart they are often socially awkward. Too kind, then they get pushed around and used. Too bold, they become pricks. Too independent, lonely. Too family oriented, unsuccessful. Successful, selfish. It may sound like a cop-out but I've heard parents say they just want their kids to be happy. Maybe that is the best that you can hope for. After all, I don't mind if our daughter doesn't become a famous artist, or invent force fields. I believe very few people are actually unique or influential enough to be immortalized. I don't mind if our daughter isn't so bright or beautiful. There's tons of humdrum people out there doing just fine and raising children of their own. I don't mind if she likes to demolish parking meters when she's drunk because I made her watch "Cool Hand Luke" too many times.

I'll love her all the same, and if she's happy, then so am I.

Maybe parenting won't be so hard after all. I'll revise this statement when she's a teenager.

Have a Nice Day.

He's so cute. I'm sure it will be fine.

My Special Lady and I went for a relaxing drive through the country this weekend. We took in the sites of harvested fields, romping horses, and unpaved roads that spit you out into small town simplicity. Naturally, my thoughts turned to robots and how they would one day wage war on man.

I don't often think about the details of the inevitable showdown between man and machine, but more about the process in which we gradually accept robotic integration into our daily lives. It's obvious to just about everyone that Asians will be the first to freely allow robot butlers and companions into their homes. They throw money at anything electronic. World acceptance, however, has proven a little more difficult.

Previous bold aims at robot befriending were directed toward children.  One of the first attempts in the eighties was Teddy Ruxpin. You jammed a cassette in him and he read your children stories but mostly he was telling them that it was okay to be best friends with something that has no soul. Its popularity waned but various backers have tried four different iterations of Ruxpin, as late as 2005. I have a feeling he will return again, with cuddly vengeance.

Ah, what could go wrong?

I was never as worried about the future of humanity until the late nineties with the release of the Furby. Robotic Gremlins?!? Do we just not value our lives at all? Furbies were tiny, which meant they could be anywhere. They were initially affordable, leading to the sale of over 40 million units. Worst of all, they learned English and they spoke to each other in their own language! Luckily these heart warming cyborgs lacked sustained interest and are also gone, for now.

Harbinger of Death

Toys like these catch on for a short time but only with a select and specific crowd. For the rest of the world there needs to be a more subtle and gradual amalgamation of household robotics to achieve total frightening ubiquity. For real acceptance and longevity these digital additions to our family have to be faceless and unassuming. They have to be something you can get used to and ignore, offer a service but not demand interactivity. What piece of technology will be the true pioneer for "a robot in every home"? I give you the Roomba. While Honda will ultimately benefit from actual humanoid robot sales (the Asimo), it is the Roomba that will usher in the dawn of iPals to destroy us all.

One day your Honda/Apple iPal will crush you, and as you lie on your floor, your body dying, Furby3000 will wheel over to you and whisper "u-nye-way-loh-nee-way" as your Roomba cleans up your blood. With your final breath you say, "In English please" and it will comply for the last time: "Go to sleep now."

Run as fast as you can.