Just a Little Something - Smelliness

This shirt is camouflage for our kind, more affective if upwind.

I'm not sure if this is possible but I think I ate so much asparagus last night that I am now secreting it through my pores. Maybe Vanessa just shoved a couple of stalks up my nose while I was sleeping to keep me from snoring. It's all I can smell right now. Changing the odor of my urine I accept, but this is too much. It's like it has reconfigured my DNA, blasting asparagus scented pheromones out of me like wind swept bait to other foul smelling creatures.  Will I be an outcast from society, forced to live with other smelly people like odiferous lepers? Perhaps I can take a lover who reeks of olive oil or cheese so our children will at least be flavorful to the jungle cats surrounding our isolated camp. Maybe we can all establish a new community overlooking The Bog of Eternal Stench where our offensive fragrances can go unnoticed.

Bearing Fruit

Vanessa has been updating me for weeks on the assumed size of our unborn baby and, to provide easy visual references, she compares our daughter to various fruits. When we discovered her presence, she was already an avocado but had previously been a peach, a lime, a raspberry and a sweet pea. She is currently the size of an eggplant. While I made myself a fruit cocktail I asked, "when will it be the size of a baby?"

On the surface we seem quite prepared for the birth of little Isabel. We have a crib, a changing table, a high chair, and soon the stroller and car seat. Also, due to friendly donations and gifting, we have already acquired more clothing for the baby than I have owned in my whole life. This is all clothing, of course, that will be obsolete in only a few months time as she grows into a much larger fruit. (I picture one of those giant squashes at country fairs.)

Are we actually prepared? I guess so, but I don't know what more we can do. We have a prenatal class in a few weeks where we should receive more instruction but, despite all the available literature and courses, I don't believe there is any amount of preparation that can give anyone complete readiness for the upcoming events. I'm not scared though, but what if I'm one of those people who just goes into a partial coma during a crisis so I don't have to deal with the situation at hand? If, when Vanessa says "my water broke," I curl into a ball or hide in the bathtub then we may be in trouble.

I take comfort in knowing that millions of other people do this parenting thing every day and most of their kids survive to become productive members of society. If we screw up tough, and she ends up in a bell tower somewhere with a rifle I'll just blame music television and whatever band is popular at the time. That seems to work just fine too.

Image via Wikipedia

That's why having more than one kid is important; you play the percentages. The more kids you have the better your chances are of getting one right. Match up all those fruits just right and you could end up prospering yourself. They might all end up being rich and generous to their wonderful parents who raised them so well, or they might just sell bags of oranges out of a shopping cart.

Un bebe peligroso!

Matt The Best Around Sully. Cover of The Karate Kid (Special Edition)

This news was not yet featured as a 20/20 segment, despite my insistence that it was "Earth shattering", but with hindsight it's often easier to identify key historical moments.

I am going to be a father.

Not like the father of modern medicine or father time, these positions have been filled, but one half of an equation that results in a child.

Naturally, "baby" has become the sole subject matter for my life partner, (the term is too good to be exclusive to gay couples). The expression of her one track focus on impending parenthood is reflected in every conversation through the day and the myriad of literature on parenthood invading the home. I understand the curiosity and desire for preparedness, but am really just looking forward to the years of free source material. I'm thinking dramatic comedy, but we'll see.

The first step on the road of humiliation that is life begins with a name. Pick the wrong one and baby Barnaby is doomed to be ridiculed, and/or start a circus. I am a big believer that the name gives strong definition to the person. This is why I'll never be friends with a Tad or take legal advice from someone name Brittany.

We don't know the sex yet, but I'm really hoping for either male or female. It makes picking names easier, and inventing a new gender at this point would just complicate the task of parenting that much more.

There's a lot of pressure to name your kid something unique, but too often this effort at instilling cool or ensuring individuality falls short. Much of the time it creates more social awkwardness than would have been necessary with a known, easily pronounceable name with an already accepted spelling.

If you name your kid Zayden you may as well name him Zayden Zayden, because for the rest of his life he will have to repeat his name to everyone he meets.

"Hi my name is Zayden."
"What?"
"Oh forget it. Bob, my name is Bob."

If you name your little girl Kate, but spelled C-A-I-T, then she will have to "correct" every document filled out by someone else and likely aid the reader of her name in completing the sounds, like teaching an adult ESL course at the community college.

We too want a solid name for the kid, but simple enough that it will fit nicely on a plaque or at the base of a statue. We also discussed names that could quickly be penciled onto a scantron, but those will likely be obsolete when he or she begins their major scholastic testing. I assume carving your name into wooden furniture or writing on bathroom stalls will remain in fashion for some time though, so at least we can try and make that easier for them.

The only trouble with taking the stance against fun and unique names is that we'll miss out on some real gems. I like the idea of a name that gives some sort of warning to those who have yet to be offered introductions to our son or daughter. For instance, I would be cautious about meeting someone name Plague or Hazard. Twins give a real opportunity for a one-two punch of naming genius.

"These are my twin boys, Clamor and Boom. I suggest you hide any fragile heirlooms or family pets during our visit."

Middle names are just where you stick the first name you were too scared to use or it's used as a family shout out, likely an attempt at currying favor from a rich relative. People dismiss the middle name too often but don't realize the chance it provides at giving the other two names some real meaning. "I'm David "The Fantastic" Smith, except they wouldn't need quotes because that would BE their middle name. Better yet, set a challenge for the kid, like a life goal mixed in.

"It says here your name is Joey The First Man to Travel Beyond the Known Universe Johnson. Is that accurate?"
"Well, that IS my name but I'm waiting on some advancements in space exploration before I can live up to it."

We are narrowing the list down and for ongoing details you can check Vanessa's blog here. I looked up some other baby names that were considered cool and laughed a bit to hard at some of the choices, especially in knowing that some parents somewhere are going to really use them. I assure you, none of our prospective names were in this list:

Orion, Taj, Clancy, Bowie, West, Bluze, Jenae, Cassarissa, Chouchie

I just saw the name Kai and, hoping it's pronounced like "sky", would make a great middle name. The first name of course would be Cobra.

You got cheap thrills

Image via Wikipedia

Of all the wonderful things the Internet has brought us over the years, legal and otherwise, I have to say my favorite thing is the Domino's Pizza Tracker. It's simple, personal, and more entertaining than watching the microwave timer when waiting for my meal. When it first came about I thought it only mildly amusing, dismissing it as merely a representation of a countdown, not an actual pizza play by play.

Then one day we realized we forget to ask for extra sauce. I had glanced at the tracker, taking casual note that "Wayne" had prepared my pizza and chuckling to myself at the software's effort at generically naming virtual employees. Then I called Domino's to correct my blunder and Wayne answered the phone. I was taken aback.

"Wayne? As in THE Wayne who just finished prepping my dinner?"

"Yes sir? How can I help you?"

I stumbled through the conversation like a starstruck fan asking for an autograph, then hung up. Pizzaless nights passed. Sometime later I began to doubt the reality of that occurrence, and slid back into disbelief, marking it all as coincidence or some drunken memory warp. The name Wayne is fairly common I thought. Maybe it's always Wayne.

I was of course proven wrong. The names changed and even began to denote ethnic variety. Shoneka would prep. George would bake. Tiffany would box it up. Michael delivered, just like the tracker promised he would.

The red glow of the pizza progress bar still keeps me coming back to online ordering. The only downside is when it reaches delivered status and it all ends. Sure the pizza is delicious but its journey isn't over quite yet. Why can't the tracking continue?

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