Just follow this one strange tip to lose belly fat - Exercise

Image via Wikipedia

It's an odd feeling, health. Hangovers I know. Random pains I've gotten used to. Once you hit thirty they just show up, having no purpose or reason. A soothing warmth flowing through me after a morning exercise, however, is like wearing a stranger's shoes. Your feet fit in them; maybe you even have the same shoe size, but something is foreign and unsettling about the experience. Secretly though, I like feeling healthy and I hope to develop an addiction. Then I can wear undersized mesh shirts, buy organic groceries and give health tips to be people who didn't ask.

We purchased an elliptical machine about a week ago. It's something we've wanted for awhile but, when I noticed Vanessa's pregnancy weight mimicked by my own body, the urgency for getting the machine was greatly increased. I'm an off again/on again exerciser, my dedication usually determined by the fluctuating middle ground between the proximity of gym facilities and the fit of my jeans. If the gym is far away I don't go as much. If I can't fit comfortably in my jeans, distance is less of an issue. Gym membership prices are outrageous here and we became shut-ins during the winter, so to avoid becoming amorphous blobs we had to seriously consider buying something for the house. I'm sure our discussion on the topic reflected that of fitness equipment owners worldwide.

One of us said how more likely we were to work out with the equipment being in the house. One of us, likely me, said they were too expensive. There was talk about noise, and space, what if we moved, what if it broke, etc. Mix in some empty promises, subtle threats and innuendos, and an awesome sale at Canadian Tire, and boom. There is an elliptical machine in our basement.

I don't make big purchases on a whim and, to the frustration of others, I may take months just to research a product and weigh my desires for that thing against my disdain for spending large sums of cash. This often takes me through a hilly country of decision, with peaks of enthusiasm and assurance shadowing over valleys of trepidation and doubt. Basically, I'm cheap.

Maybe when the elliptical becomes just part of the scenery, like those boxes you've moved three times and have no idea what's inside, I will regret buying it. Maybe I'll never stop using it and it will be the first piece of a home gym ensemble that will add years to my life. Who knows? I'm just happy that future winters won't keep me so sedentary. Pale maybe, but active and pale is better.

Texans in Canada, Part 3

Golf. Also for white old fatties. Image via Wikipedia

The sports you play and, for the rest of us, the sports you watch, define your character as much as anything else. For awhile now I've acknowledged that the world outside of the U.S. is mostly obsessed with football. The other football, which Americans call soccer. We call it soccer because in America we like to make fun of foreigners and display our own ignorance in the least moves possible. Giving a different name to the only sport that has the perfect literal descriptive name and is beloved by Latin Americans everywhere is the two for one deal of the century.

What I never realized is when those other countries obsess with one sport, they offer so little in the other ones. Canada's obsession is of course hockey, and as a result most provinces fail to maintain a decent baseball or football team of their own. I'm not sure they've discovered basketball yet.

American television and everyday life is inundated with a variety of sports, so there is always a game on of some kind. (Sports Bar is easily agreed upon as the best combination of words in the English language.) In Texas however, we understand the single sport obsession and it is football that we worship. Other sports are just something for the kids to do until they're old enough to play football, or maybe between football practice, or when you're not throwing the football around. Basically if you're playing baseball or basketball it's because you didn't make the football team or you're trying to stay in shape for the next football game.

...Football.

Canada does have the CFL which is followed by all of dozens of fans. The Canadian Football League apparently is a little different from the one I know, adding ten extra yards to the field and retracting one down. I think they might also use a live chicken as the football during the second half but no one has made it that far through a game yet, so it's not a widely known fact.

There is also something called curling here, where you throw smooth stones across the ice and use brooms to sweep away ice gremlins that try to keep the stone out of the target area. I guess it's kind of like shuffleboard but I just can't imagine this sport being invented while sober. They throw rocks at the ice on which they're standing. I smell alcohol and failure, two very old friends. I will likely be joining a league as soon as possible.

Finally, I've yet to see it with my own eyes, but they've gone and screwed up bowling. Bowling! The ball is much smaller and there are only five pins. I'm not sure but I think this is some passive aggressive attempt by Canada to insult America. I think we've gone to war with countries for less. Pretty clever though Canada. If you want to offend balding overweight American men, the bulk of our governing class, go after the only sport in which they can excel.