Texans in Canada, Part 3

Golf. Also for white old fatties. Image via Wikipedia

The sports you play and, for the rest of us, the sports you watch, define your character as much as anything else. For awhile now I've acknowledged that the world outside of the U.S. is mostly obsessed with football. The other football, which Americans call soccer. We call it soccer because in America we like to make fun of foreigners and display our own ignorance in the least moves possible. Giving a different name to the only sport that has the perfect literal descriptive name and is beloved by Latin Americans everywhere is the two for one deal of the century.

What I never realized is when those other countries obsess with one sport, they offer so little in the other ones. Canada's obsession is of course hockey, and as a result most provinces fail to maintain a decent baseball or football team of their own. I'm not sure they've discovered basketball yet.

American television and everyday life is inundated with a variety of sports, so there is always a game on of some kind. (Sports Bar is easily agreed upon as the best combination of words in the English language.) In Texas however, we understand the single sport obsession and it is football that we worship. Other sports are just something for the kids to do until they're old enough to play football, or maybe between football practice, or when you're not throwing the football around. Basically if you're playing baseball or basketball it's because you didn't make the football team or you're trying to stay in shape for the next football game.

...Football.

Canada does have the CFL which is followed by all of dozens of fans. The Canadian Football League apparently is a little different from the one I know, adding ten extra yards to the field and retracting one down. I think they might also use a live chicken as the football during the second half but no one has made it that far through a game yet, so it's not a widely known fact.

There is also something called curling here, where you throw smooth stones across the ice and use brooms to sweep away ice gremlins that try to keep the stone out of the target area. I guess it's kind of like shuffleboard but I just can't imagine this sport being invented while sober. They throw rocks at the ice on which they're standing. I smell alcohol and failure, two very old friends. I will likely be joining a league as soon as possible.

Finally, I've yet to see it with my own eyes, but they've gone and screwed up bowling. Bowling! The ball is much smaller and there are only five pins. I'm not sure but I think this is some passive aggressive attempt by Canada to insult America. I think we've gone to war with countries for less. Pretty clever though Canada. If you want to offend balding overweight American men, the bulk of our governing class, go after the only sport in which they can excel.

Texans in Canada, Part 2

The Medusa stare of the black squirrel. Canadian parks are littered with extremely realistic human statues.
Image via Wikipedia

Much of the appeal in moving to another country was the idea of making a fresh start. We'd get a new home, a new car, new jobs, and most importantly new credit. Essentially our lives would begin anew. What I didn't realize was that starting over would be less like a clean slate and more like reverting to a state of infancy.

I don't know where I am most times. I can't tell you what street I last came from, but I'm mostly certain it ends in Crescent and/or starts with Rue. Remembering my own address and phone number is like disassembling complex algorithms in my head. I feel like that special kid at school in the 50s who showed up to class with his vital information pinned to his vest, like dog tags. Someone asks me my name and I look down at the little scrap of paper on my chest to make sure it's right.

Going around town I'm unsure where to stop for my needs. Luckily Canadians recognize when to keep things simple, like with naming stores that carry vital household necessities. If you need beer, you go to The Beer Store. If you need shoes, go to the Shoe Company. Need stuff for the kids, there's the Children's Place.

At Canadian Tire you can purchase far more than expected, except groceries, but they introduce a new issue by circulating their own currency like some independent monetary authority. Just when I thought I understood the Loonie versus the Toonie I'm handed some alternate Monopoly money by the Canadian Tire cashier that claims to be a nickel's worth of tire. Only in Canada can I carry around a two dollar coin and a five cent bill.

Amongst other confusions sloshing around in my newborn mind, I can't tell you what the temperature is because I'm slow to convert to celsius. I can't express how far it is to anywhere because nothing is measured in miles. Driving at 100 is really not that fast anymore but it feels like I should be a feature news story, on the run with 60 cop cars behind me. Maybe I have a hostage but the helicopter reporter is unsure as of now.

Hopefully I'll be fast to mature and these problems will fade, perhaps only to be replaced with new ones. Canadian acne? Some barriers will be harder to break through than others, like this terrible habit I have of spelling things correctly. Imagine being raised by an unethical scientist and on your 13th birthday you're told that not only do you have a twin, and you were each raised in separate identical homes only a block apart but one of you was taught everything to be opposite of what it truly was, like black is white and Fords are really good cars. Now the experiment is over but you have to relearn the world. (I am the falsely educated one in this scenario.) This is how hard it will be for me to "correct" my spelling, especially while I find that vowels playing musical chairs is still so humorous, ...humourous? My favorite sign about town so far is "Centrepointe Theatre." Tee hee.

I'm sure I'll become accustomed to most of the Canadian quirkiness, but I don't forsee any level of comfort being made with one bizarre fact: The squirrels here are black. Not just dark, but BLACK. I've never heard of such a thing and I'm concerned with how at ease everyone is with the situation. Supposedly they're harmless but I don't trust them and at this point will assume they are the devil's work. Of course, if any black squirrels are reading this I was just kidding. We're cool right?

Texans in Canada, Part 1

Folks, both locally and across the border, have asked me if it feels like I'm in a foreign country. For the most part, no. Canada is a lot like America... except cleaner, greener, more friendly, and proud without being full of itself.

There are slight differences that I find interesting and will likely make up the bulk of my Texans in Canada series. Much of it may go unnoticed to some, but for me it's like living in an episode of Sliders. The question that will need answering during my extended visit to this foreign land is will I ever make it "home" or will I end up just settling here in this alternate reality.

A visit to our new local grocer brought up the subject of language. Do Canadians sound funny? Do you have to learn French? The answers are yes and no respectively. Canadian speak is a bit off kilter but after living in the boiling pot of America, where cultural and ethnic consistency is a bit muddled, the Canadian tongue comes across as just another accent to which my ear quickly adapts.

Only in Quebec is there a concentration of French speaking citizens and they are as shunned and ridiculed by other Canadians as commonly as Americans shun and ridicule "true" Frenchies. Due to their influence however, country-wide Canadian signs, ads, websites and grocery items all display both English and French wording. It's like never graduating from French I in high school and being forced to review flash cards for the rest of your life. In fact, if you failed the class and had nightmares of having to repeat it over and over again, daily Canadian life would be a realization of this living hell. The chips aisle at Metro, (the Canadian Kroger I guess), would be a particularly diverse and torturous circle of bilingual mockery on your descent into Dante's snow covered inferno. I took Spanish.

I'm realizing that language may have to spill over into one or two more blog posts (we have to cover the obsession these people have with the letter "u" and their selective dyslexia of the "e"), so I'll end this on the subject of the grocery store. One major difference at the grocery store is found in the concept of bagged milk. Yes, milk here can come in a bag. I suppose milk essentially comes from bags, some more fun than others, so perhaps this is not totally unnatural. At first glance however, it is comically unnerving.