SulliedWords

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Just a Little Something - Life and Death

Embarassing death comes in many delicious flavors. Image by Got Jenna via Flickr

I don't expect to live the most remarkable of lives so I at least would like to die in a memorable way. Perhaps with some irony, like choking to death on a Lifesavers.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Mall Thoughts

Image via Wikipedia

Escalators don't really break. They just become stairs.

Well, I'm probably giving this gem of an idea away by writing it out for the public, but I'm starting to realize that all my dreams may not come true. Like puppies and adolescent boys, when I see something new I think about eating it or destroying it. There is an inherent joy in all of us when things blow up or catch fire, and a youthful giddiness sparks at the sound of breaking glass.

It is in this vain that I present "Destroy a Bear." Like it's weak and ridiculously benign brother Build a Bear, it will also be a shop in the mall. Right next door in fact. For every bear built we will destroy two, because we allow you to bring in bears from home, and we accept gently used donated bears as well.

The brilliance is in needing no inventory. We just have to make sure the miniature canisters of napawlm are full and the pawltov cocktail mix is readily available. Get the theme? I think demented kids and their jealous demented parents will enjoy the experience together. Take the family shopping, select a bear carcass next door, stuff it full of fuzzy vitality, pick out an outfit, then bring it on over next door for some quality assurance testing. If Bob, or Billy, or Buzzy bear survives "The Tiny Rack" or "The Acid Rain Chamber" then he gets to go home as a new member of the family, but I wouldn't go assigning him a moniker too soon. As a more expensive version of an imaginary friend I would appreciate the opportunity to test the might of my child's future companion of the next few years. I mean, when it all goes down, that bear may be the only shield that kid has from the dangers of the world, and if I know Paddington has survived "The Voodoo Parlor" and "The Hall of Stabbings," I'll feel much better about my kid's chances.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Winter Woefulland

Image via Wikipedia

For those curious as to my complete blogging absence, I've actually written two new ones this month that I chose not to publish. Unfortunately both entries were contradictory to my normal chipper upbeat humor, and took turns into dark parts of my mind where no one should venture. I fear the descent into these caves myself as the walls are steep, covered in thorns and a thick mucus, making escape all too difficult. I lost my keys in there once and rather than going in after them I had all my locks changed.

Perhaps I'm one of those holiday goers with an inverse reaction to cheer but I suspect it's actually a response to this thing called winter. I am unused to both extended cold temperatures and precipitous events other than rain and hail, but I didn't expect to have this kind of mental meltdown, if you will. Snow meanwhile has threatened to swallow our home.

According to Wikipedia there is an actual reported condition called winter depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD). They define this as "a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter..." 'Normal mental health' may be a stretch but I can see differences in my overall demeanor and I'm having trouble concentrating for any length of time. I can only hope my friends and relatives take my SADness into account when reading my Christmas cards this year. Many of them are just signed "What's the point?" or are stuffed with random obituary clippings. Most intended recipients will be saved from the black Hallmark oddities however because my only attempts at mailing them were by feeding the envelopes into the garbage disposal or neighbors' car exhausts.

Vanessa fears that winter in this large house will get the best of me and she's happy we don't own a croquet set or axe. We were told that to get through the winter we have to enjoy it, finding outdoor activities in which to participate. My dog sled team is coming along nicely but I'm getting annoyed with the amount of "lost dog" posters cluttering up the neighborhood telephone poles. It's just tacky.

I'm torn on who should lead the pack at this point, the three legged Great Dane or the chihuahua with the big heart. Chi-Chi keeps getting trampled up front but I know she's strong enough. After all, she bit that big dog's leg clean off!