Snout Your Blessings

I can't stop sneezing today. I would say it is allergies, but I spent all day "in the bush" yesterday and only blasted out a few nostril bangs. Now I'm just sitting at my desk, but acting like a mucus loaded firing squad or a double barreled roman snot candle. Perhaps I'm allergic to comfortable surroundings. I'll try knocking one of the wheels off my chair and putting a pinhole leak in a pipe above my head. Water torture and perpetual imbalance should cure me of my sneezing fits.

In an effort to be more active I went disc golfing yesterday at a personally uncharted course in Quebec. Basically a hiking trail on the side of a ski hill, now snow free, it was the most physically challenging course I've ever played. Disc golf is a "sport" for stoners and the lazy so sweating and a rapid heart rate are foreign integrations into a regular round. Beyond the need for rock climbing equipment the course itself was tough. If the hole wasn't crazy long it demanded crazy accuracy through the trees. At least there was incredibly thick brush everywhere, mosquitoes, and high winds.

It's common practice for people to bless the recently sneezed, but I find the act ridiculous and not a courtesy at all. However, like most social graces, the outsider who does not bless or pleasingly receives a blessing is considered rude. So do I teach my daughter to say "bless you." Likely not, but these things have to be weened out of circulation. A replacement phrase should be introduced.

"Clear the path to breath the truth." or "Easy breezy mister sneezy."

Maybe just random words:

"Marmaduke" or "Chumbawumba"

Probably the best way to delete any response to sneezing at all is to keep people from sneezing in public. I'll start taking it as a personal offense and curse at anyone who sneezes in my general direction and punch any blasphemous nose within reach. If that becomes common practice sneezing will be shunned if not outlawed. Now to pass this wisdom to the next generation.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Daylight Savings Month

Yes, this is the typical Canadian child. 

So I decided to skip June entirely. I've moved it to just after December when I'll better appreciate its pleasing temperatures. The downside is the move really screws with my new years plans. Also, my apologies for any confusingly dated correspondence you may receive from me in my new future-past.

I'm looking to the skies feverishly these days, eyes peeled for storks, as our baby will be making its Earthly debut any day now. I won't have to announce it to anyone as I anticipate that the stars will align to spell her name the evening of her birth, but I suppose an email or two won't hurt either.

There's a full pot of excitement brewing at our house over the little one and, in an effort to solidify our family even more, Vanessa and I are now happily betrothed. I chose Canada Day to propose in an attempt to mark our time here beyond the baby we've made, plus I thought fireworks would make a nice backdrop to me on bended knee. To even things out however, in case my home country becomes jealous, I'm thinking of a wedding on the day of America's independence. Again, free fireworks for our celebration.

Without benefit of a picture I can only describe Vanessa's engagement ring. It's a simple band with an elegant slope when approaching the diamond. A small family of elves rotate the duties of supporting and maintaining the diamond as well as shooing any objects that begin orbiting it, unable to avoid its gravitational pull. The universe's elected officials are in talks over voting it in as our new sun, but I'd hate for primitive worshipers to start following Vanessa around town, so I hope the mandate fails.

Also, because Canada Day is July 1st and Independence Day is the 4th, I've declared the 2nd through the 3rd from noon to noon as Dual Citizenship Day. It's not easy being this brilliant. I hope generations of Canadian-Americans appreciate what I've done for them. I assume the statue honoring me will straddle our countries' borders.

(Image by connect2canada via Flickr)

Just a Little Something - Bathroom Necessities

Evergreen? Not when I'm through with it.

Part of the whole green movement has to do with conservation, but the bathroom is no place to be stingy. There needs to be plenty of soap, water, "Sunshine Cottage Daffodil" (or whatever alternate name is given to the poo smell cover-up) spray, and above all, real paper products.

This half ply stuff being used in public restrooms that is actually see through doesn't cut it. The idea is to use less but we all just use more. I spin that toilet paper roll like it's the Price is Right wheel and put together the biggest wad of TP I can. My level of cleanliness confidence is only as thick as the barrier between my hand and my bum.

Stop with the hand dryers! They don't work and I'm not going to pretend that they do. That's like giving a child one of those miniature tool belts filled with plastic tools and asking them to build your house. Prepare to be disappointed. The best end result I can expect from a hand dryer is to minimize the amount of water that ends up on my pants when I finally wipe my hands on them. My only wonder in all this is, if they made restroom paper towels big enough would I still instinctually take two?