The Mike Aubrey...Intervention

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Many among us have a legitimate beef with Hitler. He was a vial, anti-Semite, dictator. The man corrupted and stole the lives of millions of men. His legacy is one of fear, sadness, and regret. Of greatest significance in his sustained influence through time, he succeeded in single-handedly spoiling an entire facial hair configuration.

The abbreviated mustache will forever be associated with hatred and genocide and, despite Chaplin's noble comedic, heart warming efforts, can be worn by no other. No one has a more justified anger for Hitler than men with very specific harelips, but even they have accepted that this unique grooming composition is now forfeit.

Despite the universally shunned development of this miniature soup strainer, Mike Aubrey, host of HGTV's Real Estate Intervention, is pushing the limits of acceptable mustachiosity. Aubrey narrowly escapes public ridicule with a slight lower flaring, expanding a few degrees out at the bottom like a trapezoid, but we are not fools. You're only a flick of a wrist away from the Adolf special Aubrey, so grow it out or cut it out.

With so many glorious options for the showcase of masculinity, why can't you choose a less offensive bristly signature? The chops, the goat, the chinstrap, the handlebar, the soul patch. All of these well established choices already make such powerful statements as to your character, interests and disposition. There's no need to mess around with the square haired upper lip, especially if you might scare away the home buying Jewish clientele.

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• What a Mustache Says About A Man's Profession (manolith.com)
• 31 Days of Moustache: Charlie Chaplin (mikeyfilmmaker.blogspot.com)