I'm a certified "basic rescuer" - choke on that

As penance for my ravenous blood thirst, Vanessa and I attempted to turn a 180 on the circle of life by signing up for a CPR class. It's been over a decade since either of us had been trained in life saving techniques and, surprisingly, they have changed.

We vaguely recall CPR consisting of 10 to 15 chest compressions in a very specific part of the chest, followed by a few lip to lip breaths delivered to the victim. Now it's 30 compressions just about anywhere in the center of the breastbone with 2 breaths using a mask. No mask, no problem. Due to the general fear of cootie contagions by CPR trainees, sprinkled with some scientific studies, our trainers advised that the breathing part of CPR is less important than the chest compressions. In some courses they disregard the whole breath giving exercise.

Part of the reason, much to my disappointment, is that CPR is merely a means to maintain blood flow and is rarely successful in reviving the patient. CPR-only recipients have about a 6% chance of survival. The life saving only comes into play with defibrillation and CPR is only helpful until you can get your hands on a defibrillator. Well that's a bummer. When am I ever going to shout "clear" and legally run electricity through someone's lifeless body?

How about during the most awesomest CPR training class ever!

That's right. Due to the Public Access Defibrillators (PAD) program, you can find these shock boxes (the green thing above) in lots of public spaces. Alright, so they're made for safety and don't allow you to jolt just any punk that tries to give you lip. However, if that street tough were to tell you to drop dead and you literally did, someone could revive you using this machine. It likely wouldn't be that rude spell casting kid but, with the great design of these defibrillators, any brave citizen can effectively become a hero.

The defibrillator gives verbal commands accompanied by easy to follow pictures through the entire emergency situation. It reminds you to call for help, says when to give CPR, including an adjusting metronome sound for aiding you in delivering well timed chest compressions. It analyzes the victim's heartbeat and tells you when to back away and shock them. The only thing it doesn't do is call 911 or make you a ham sandwich. Ask some bystanders for these favors if needed. All in all it's a pretty sweet device. There was disappointment though when there was no visible or audible electrical charge emanating from these things, plus the instructors told us that people don't really leap off the table when you shock them. Lame.

Our main reason for all this safety concern is our upcoming journey in parenting. We wanted to be aware of what to do if baby started choking, or worse. The practice babies were even more unnerving than the limbless adult dummies, perhaps because their heads kept popping off or perhaps because they looked like aliens, all silver skinned and wearing their rubber future people garb.

We're certified now and feel a beginner's level confidence for emergency situations. Hopefully our infant will chew her steak before trying to swallow. The most entertaining part of the day? We learned that the best songs for mentally keeping time when pumping someone's chest are Staying Alive and Another One Bites the Dust. I guess which one you put on your mental turntable depends on which outcome you expect. Just don't sing it aloud.

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